One of the most important topics to discuss in details before you say I do is MONEY.
Money is an important factor in marriage because bills must be paid.
Having money is good because it offers couples more options and the capacity to solve problems and the opportunity to express love in different ways especially when the foundation of genuine love is already in place.
Money has power; it has the capacity of breaking or making a relationship strong depending on its management. Economic hardship within a short period of time, could unite married couples as they work together to surmount such obstacle, however, perpetual economic hardship can reduce drastically the level of satisfaction that is derived from a relationship. Financial problems are part of the leading causes of divorce and marital dysfunction. Thus, finance is a big issue that needs to be discussed extensively before marriage.
- IDENTIFY YOUR MINDSET ABOUT MONEY
The first place to start this conversation is to understand your mindset about finance in marriage. What is your philosophy about money? How do each of you feel about money? What are your thoughts on how financial affairs should be managed? What are your ideas about family income?
Who is responsible for family finance in terms of income and expenditure? Some individuals are of the view that the family income must come from the man only because he is responsible for providing for the family. His money is for family expenses while her money is for herself. The question is did the bible expressly state that the man is the primary and only provider of the family?
There are 3 approaches implemented by different couples:
- Source of family income and expenses is 100% from the husband.
- Source of family income and expenses is from both and they may have separate account or combined account.
- Source of family income and expenses is the woman because she is the only one that earns an income.
Of these three the best approach remains combined source of income and expenses. However, you cannot assume your spouse to be is aware of this because you cannot know his or her views until you discuss it. If an individual has been exposed to a family where system one is the approach, he or she may think it is common with everyone.
You should also both disclose what you learned about money as a child so you can gain a better understanding of your respective views. Your family background and how your parents handled money could influence your perspective to money. Tell your story to each other, that way you will be to identify some underlying values and views about money.
Perhaps you were raised by parents who were well-off and you routinely live every day as if you had the income to support the lifestyle of your youth. If you fit the bill, marrying a saver could result in conflict. How will you work this out?
You can as well do a quiz on money to understand each other’s value for money.
- DO A FINANCIAL AUDITING-
Find out the financial position of each other. Is he or she in debt or he or she has some savings? Once you are married, the credit rating or financial circumstance of your spouse, will impact on you directly or indirectly.
As a woman getting into marriage, do not assume a man is financially comfortable or secure because he has a ‘good’ job. Someone can have a good job, at the same be in serious debt. That he drives flashy cars, lives in a nice apartment, wears expensive designers clothes, and owns all the sophisticated gadgets, may be the reason to ask questions about his financial status. The same goes for a man. You are getting married a woman and you think, she must be financial comfortable because she has a good job. There comes the wedding planning, she has a budget of 2 million naira to spend for the wedding and she asking you for every dime. Now you want her to make a contribution based on the fact that at least she must have saved some money, only to realise that she is in debt.
- FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY/OBLIGATIONS TO EXTENDED FAMILY
You should also discuss your responsibility to your parents and extended family members. How do you manage that? To what extent are you responsible to your parents and siblings? A lady may be the first child whose parents may have spent a fortune to train her in school hoping that she will end up helping her younger ones. She may get married to a man who is the last child of the family whose parents are well to do and may not need his financial support. They need to discuss about these issues to know the level of expectations on them and how far they can go in carrying this extra financial burden or else it will become an issue. If they get married and the man does not consider taking care of her parents and siblings as their responsibility, he will block any of her effort to support them. This could lead her into hiding money, telling lies so as to secretly send money to them. This approach can also create serious problem if he eventually finds out.
- DISCUSS YOUR COST OF LIVING AND WHERE YOU PLAN TO LIVE
You should also discuss where you intend to live and the kind of apartment. For a guy, studio/ room and parlour apartment in a crowded location like Surulere, may be wonderful for a start based on where he is coming from but the wife to be may have lived all her life in VGC. In that case, she needs to be aware of the level of adjustment she needs to make and how your financial capacity can accommodate cheaper rent.
- FAMILYPLANNING
Another area to discuss is how many children they intend to have. To raise children requires money and they must not assume. If a man wants 2 children and the women have 4 children in mind, they need to come to a compromise as per the number of children they can take care of. Working by faith is wonderful as most of our parents were not financially comfortable when they raised us. Nevertheless, that approached worked in the past, it won’t work now. There are so many factors you must consider, one of which is education. Do you have the means or the potential to sponsor the education of 4 children considering the current global economic situation?
- WHAT ARE YOUR FINANCIAL PROJECTIONS?
You should as well discuss your financial projections in relation to your lifestyle. What are your expected income within the next five years and what will be able to achieve with that? The job you are doing now, can it sustain the lifestyle you intend to live?
- IDENTIFY YOUR STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES IN RELATION TO MONEY AND DECIDE WHO SHOULD MANAGE YOUR FINANCE.
Whoever is more prudent with finance should be the one in charge. It has nothing to do with gender or who is the head of the home. The man is the leader; and leadership more about service and not who spends the family money. This is where many couples miss it. The problem is that when you give some women the opportunity to manage the money, that is when they will remember the personal stuff they need money for. However, where there is understanding and selflessness, couples maximise their strengths by allowing everyone to function where he or she is well suited.
Money is an important element in marriage and it must be discussed before you get married or else you may become a primary element to will result to major conflict in your marriage.