For you to communicate with your spouse effectively you need to focus on the emotion behind the spoken words and thoughts or else there will be some kind of misunderstanding.
In marriage, misunderstandings occur mainly because men communicate differently from women and this makes it difficult to understand the feeling behind the spoken words.
Most women use different sentences and adjectives to describe their feelings and thoughts, whereas most men will give minimal details and may use a monosyllabic approach when asked a question.
Let me give a simple example: A woman says “you don’t care for me”. The man tends to focus on what was said rather than the feeling that is expressed when this was said
If a woman wants to share a story with her husband, she may take her time to give all the details, which he might see as unnecessary. However, a typical man would share the same story by being as brief as possible.
In most cases, when a woman is upset or wants to express her feeling about something she is not happy with in a relationship, she assumes a poetic license and use various metaphors and generalisations that could make a man confused and frustrated.
A woman can say to her husband “ you do not love me at all” not because she believes he does not love her but due to the fact that she does not feel loved at that time. Sometimes women use words to convey feelings and not information or facts.
Most women use words that may generalise or exaggerate what they want to express; for instance, a woman may say to her husband; “ you never care about me”, and this statement may be the only way she could express her feeling at the moment.
This kind of statement can be confusing to the man because he believes he does everything a caring husband should do for the wife. This can also lead to argument as the man tries to make a point to defend himself.
It is important to understand that her use of “never” may not imply “not at all” but may be the only word she finds most suitable to express how she feels at that time.
Effective communication is never simple, automatic or effortless, it takes hard work, concentration and commitment to keep understanding your mate on a regular basis.
A man’s literal translation of her choice of words could result in serious argument, which may hurt her feeling more and more.
However, if the man could look beyond her generalisation and decipher what pre-empted the comment, they may not have any need to fight over it.
It is our responsibility to find out what it is, and until that feeling is discovered, communication remains ineffective. Always know that the real message your spouse may send to you is not the words that make up his or her statement but the feeling underneath the message.
By Gospella Amaugo