A sudden and unwanted breakup can cause significant psychological and emotional distress. In fact, you may feel as if you have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Some people feel physically and mentally immobilised. Anyone who has been through a break-up will tell you how much it hurts. When the person you care about the most tells you they don’t want to be with you anymore, it can feel like your whole world is falling apart. It can literally affect our brains according to research. When someone tells you they are in pain after a break up, they are probably telling the truth.
Matthew was engaged to be married to Kelly and by human standards, it was a perfect match. All their friends, relatives and parents were in support of the relationship. The tentative date for the wedding was fixed and everyone was expectant. Matthew was fortunate to get a job where he was well paid, even before he did his National Youth Orientation Service- a compulsory programme for every Nigerian graduate below 30 years of age. His plan was to use that opportunity to get prepared for their future family. Kelly was in the picture of all of Matthew’s dreams including starting a church in South Africa. According to him, there was no sign of quarrel or disagreement until one early morning precisely on his birthday, Kelly sent him a text message saying that the relationship was all over; her reason was that Matthew was not anywhere near raising the kind of money that they needed to start up a family. The shock was unbearable; he lost control of himself; the sense of numbness he experienced could not be explained; it seemed he was in a dream. ‘How could she do this to me after all the promises and all that we shared with each other?’ he exclaimed. The incident made him lose his job because he could not focus and had to travel to her city in order to plead with her to change her mind. Conversely, all efforts made, including that of his friends, proved abortive. He felt betrayed and shattered when he discovered that her decision was because she found another man who seemed to be wealthy; the betrayal was disheartening and unbearable! However, it took Matthew many months and consistent support of his friends before he got over it.
One of the aftermaths of broken relationships is that it leaves victims with a faulty generalization about the opposite sex. Statements like ‘all men are the same, all they want is a sex ’, ‘women are wicked and heartless, all they care about is money’ and many more, become ingrained into the psyche of such individuals. When a relationship comes to a halt, you can be immobilised emotionally, and you may likely struggle with self-pity, self-blame, guilt, unrealistic expectation, lack of trust, and compulsive or dysfunctional behaviour and lifestyle. When you struggle with some of these emotional inhibitors, going into a new relationship is not advisable.
Shock:
Emotional shock is usually the first impact of jilt as experienced by Mathew.The emotional and psychological impact of knowing that you have lost someone you love is usually intense depending on the level of intimacy both of you shared and the investment of time, money, gift, emotions and others made in the relationship. It becomes more damaging and shocking when there is no sign of break-up before it happens. This stage is accompanied by the fear of abandonment and the fear of being without the person you love.
Grief:
Matthew in the story wept for many days because of the breakup; this was his grieving period or stage. The individual grieves for what they shared when everything was intact and the loss of the opportunity to share what they dreamt of sharing in the future. The duration of the grief is dependent on the individual’s ability to get over the painful experience.
Blame:
You could blame yourself for not fighting for your relationship enough, for not showing him or her more love which could have made him stay, you blame yourself for fooling yourself all the while; you blame yourself for giving him or her more than the individual deserved leg sex, money, time. You blame him or her for not keeping to his or her promises. Sometimes, victims blame God for not helping them avoid the relationship in the first instance or for not sustaining it, especially when they presume it was the perfect will of God.
Anger and Hate
VIVIAN’S STORY
This what Vivian told wrote about her experience:
Mike and I were in a relationship for about two years; he promised to be there for me and that nothing will separate us. I travelled to the United States for studies and we agreed that we would get married once I return but I was shocked when he wrote me to say it was all over; he has found another lover. I wept for days, I could not restrain myself. Right now, I have moved on, but my challenge is on how to forgive him and release him from my heart, the thought of his words and promises makes me angry. Sometimes I cannot help but think about the time I wasted waiting for him, the resources I invested in the relationship and above all, losing my virginity to him. I really hate him with a passion for what he did to me and I wonder if I can forgive him.
Vivian has pent-up anger and hate towards Mike because she was jilted. Anger and possibly hate are two negative emotions people who are jilted feel. It takes the grace of God to forgive someone who betrayed our trust and disappointed us. Some people because of these emotions, go as far as planning evil for their offenders as a revenge for the offense committed. Nevertheless, harbouring negative emotions cannot in any way make us better, rather, it will inhibit us from making progress.
Other negative emotions include: feeling of rejection ( you begin to doubt yourself and think something may be wrong with you if he or she rejected you). It becomes worse if you have had series of heart breaks.
Betrayal ( you feel betrayed that someone you trusted and loved could do this to you)
Disappointment ( you feel disappointed that your dreams and aspirations are gone)
Fear ( you are afraid of the future, not knowing if you will get into another relationship, you have this fear he or she will share your secrets to others)
embarrassment (what will friends and family members who know about the relationship say?)
If you have ever experienced a heartbreak and you are wondering how to deal with it, please watch our discussion on our YouTube Channel via this link: https://youtu.be/ypxqaMhKODY